You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
