Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Randomize
