I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Randomize
