What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
