Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
