Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
