i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
im gay
i know
yea but for you.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
