I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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