I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
