is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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