are you still at the devil's house?
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Randomize
