Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
