don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
