She announced her abortion via fbk
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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