the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
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