M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Randomize
