Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
