My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
