the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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