you're like a bully in the Christmas story
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Randomize
