The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Randomize
