I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
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