so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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