Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
you made out with another girl for some wings
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
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