Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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