I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
