I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
All the doctor said was why
Randomize
