Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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