you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
where are you?
Hypothermia
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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