No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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