sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
