did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
