On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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