Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
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For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
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cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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