my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
