I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
