you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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