apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
