I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Randomize
