I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Randomize
