Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
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