I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
