wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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