Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Randomize
