you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Randomize
