this boner is exhausting
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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