I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
