can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Randomize
