i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
