I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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