I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
My vagina is very pro this idea
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
