That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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